Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Yo dont text me then not text me
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
