Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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