WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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