I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
