Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
