I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
my phone needs a breathalizer
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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