imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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