A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
