Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
