Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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