The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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