I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Randomize