So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
