You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
