So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
We smell like vodka and hangover
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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