and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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