I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
