Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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