I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
