i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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