I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
