Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
