I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
