she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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