If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
