dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
