Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Randomize