Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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