doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
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