HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Randomize
