also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
