how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
