I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Randomize
