Just cropdusted the office
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
