If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
So much Jack, so little girl.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Randomize
