Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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