You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
