sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
