Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
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