the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
