i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
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