Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
