I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
