i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
And then he peed in my hair
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