Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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