Old men and throwing up are my life now.
even my farts smell like vagina
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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