watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
