i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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