five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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