Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
