I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
