I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
