I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize