It's like a parade of train wrecks.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
