Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Randomize