I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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