Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
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