Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
A+ Viking dick
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Pooping to opera.
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