I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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