I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
