its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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