Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize