just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Randomize
