insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
