He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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