You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize