Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
